Sunday, January 27, 2008

Darwin Awards Imposter

The 2007 Darwin Awards have been announced, but if you think you’ve read them, you may be mistaken. Here is the list forwarded to me by email, and the winner sounds like the real deal:
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
Assuming that Elliot died from the blast, this story satisfies the Darwin Awards’ original goal of “honoring those who improve the species… by accidentally removing themselves from it!” But if you read the rest of the list, you’ll find that none of the runner-ups actually died (or rendered themselves impotent, which is just as good from an evolutionary perspective). You might even call these the Anti-Darwin Awards, insofar as the subjects' survival raises questions about the efficiency of natural selection.

As it turns out, this same list was circulated in 2005, and a number of its entries were debunked as urban legends.

The actual winner of the 2007 Darwin Awards killed himself by giving himself a liquor enema. But I prefer the first runner-up, which was actually a team effort:
June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. McCants said.
You can read the full list of genuine 2007 Darwin Awards here; accept no substitutes.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for pointing us in the right direction as to which Darwin Awards are imposters and which could definitely be verified. The couple you mentioned puts a neanderthal-like twist on the so-called "Mile High Club." I can't imagine being the wife of the enema-crazed alcoholic. Schnikies!!

Anonymous said...

Serves the guy right who tried to mess with the cow. He could have saved his life (and his ex-wives a lot of emotional trauma) if he had just gone to The Lions Den and gotten himself some toys. What a jerk-off.

Agoraphilia said...

Quite a traumatizing experience.... at least you cant fall out of a plane.. well..

Anonymous said...

Yep, I prefer my bed or even the ground or out in the woods--bound. Mile-High-Club even these days is risky. 'Course the air-sickness and green complexion I get when I fly is not as attractive at best! Hee. Hee.

Anonymous said...

Oopsie Daisy. I mean out in the woods--earthbound. Okay, THAT was funny.

PG said...

All of the annual Darwin award discussions miss the important point that the awardee is likely to already have procreated.

Anonymous said...

Hopefully their offspring has learned by example. My firm belief is everyone is good for something in life, even if it's an example of how NOT to live. It would behoove us to look in our rearview mirror as we're driving, but not too long, so that we can continue to move forward in the right direction.

Anonymous said...

sigh...for over a year back in the day, COLA was my adopted home town.

Here's a memorial article (with pictures).