Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The Psycho Hose-Beast, Beaten

Glen recently used the term "psycho hose-beast" in a post concerning dating etiquette. That occasioned some comments wondering about the meaning of the word. Although I cannot offer a precise definition, a recent news story about romance gone awry offers a superb example of the type. The particular psycho hose-beast in question severed her lover's penis and flushed it down a toilet. Remarkably, and happily, the fellow's saviors recovered his member, surgically reattached it, and threw his attacker in jail.

A story like that makes a fellow cross his legs and think. "Suppose that Mr. Happy and I were to suffer a parting of the ways. What should I do with him? And how long would I have to arrange our reunion?" Fret not, my manly friends; just read this excellent Slate Explainer for useful tips concerning not only severed penises (whence came the link to the story above) but also severed fingers, ears, arms, and so forth.

Notably, however, that Slate column fails to tell you how not to lose your head if you lose your head. Again, I offer soothing words and a link, this time to the trustworthy and skilled medical professionals of Alcor Foundation. For a relatively modest fee, generally paid out of a patient's life insurance policy, they will arrange for the indefinite preservation of everything from your neck up. Granted, they have not yet perfected the surgical reattachment bit. You might thus prefer the whole-body option. Either way, though, cryonic suspension beats plain old death nine ways to Sunday.

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